He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
