I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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