Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
