Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
