shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
