I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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