no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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