I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
