There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
