I can text with my tongue
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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