Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
