my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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