I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
