a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
