yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
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She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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