I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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