I smell stomach acid.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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