True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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