Someone shit on the floor
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
