So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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