I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
