Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
