Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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