I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
