Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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