My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
