Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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