I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
