I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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