My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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