would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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