I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
