The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
