Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
