you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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