My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
