Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
