i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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