I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
