i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
