Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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