Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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