Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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