I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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