It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
