In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
