walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
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Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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