I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
