Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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