just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
