i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
