All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
