tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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