I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
