You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
