Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
