went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
