I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
