Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
