I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
