A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
