Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
