Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
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there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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