tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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