i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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