Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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