If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
