oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
no you cant smoke seaweed
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
