8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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