do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
