By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
