i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
